Thursday, March 29, 2007

The Skinny, The Wager, or Perhaps More Appropriately, Requiem to a Beard

On January 3, 2007, I stepped on a scale. I sensed that I was larger than ever before, and I though that I was perhaps 235, a very high number for me. When the scale looked back at me with that ugly three-digit atrocity, 250, I was shocked.

So we decided to get healthy. Since January, Marcie and I have been eating much healthier than ever before, and we're seeing results!

Marcie admitted to me that she didn't like my beard anymore, and especially the adjoining mustache. I told her that if I made it down to 225 again, I would shave the beard.

So with great mourning, last week, I began the four stage process of shaving my beard. It was simultaneously bitter and sweet, binding and liberating (loosing). Here is the photographical chronicle of the dying breaths of my beard.

This was stage one. To bring joy to the heart of my bride, I shaved the mustache, leaving the traditional Amish, or Abraham Lincoln beard. I kept the Lincoln for 24 hours.

Next, I decided that it would be rather easy for me to shave the rest of a traditional goatee out of my remaining beard, leaving a tee-goa. I explained that a reverse mohawk is a hawk-mo, so a reverse goatee is a tee-goa. Gross. I kept the tee-goa for 24 hours, even wearing it out in

Next, I went for the chops and neck patch. It was so gross. I did keep it for approximately 12 hours, even sporting it at my favorite local dining establishment, Squealers. Want a better view?

Nice. After I was done with the neck patch, I decided to go wild and check out the stripes. I kept these for all of 30 seconds.

And finally I settled on the mutton chops. I've never had good chops before, so I'm actually happy with them. I'm sure the beard will rise again one day, but until that day, consider this your requiem, beard. I shall remember you fondly.

By the way, I had Addison watch at each stage of the beard shaving so that she would still recognize me after it was gone. She misses being able to grab my chin hairs, but overall, I think she still likes me.

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At 10:03 AM EDT , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your Uncle Bryce likes it better!

At 11:16 AM EDT , Blogger Tall Pants said...

I would've guessed that. I thought I kind of looked like my dad about 30-35 years ago...without all the muscles.


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